It’s unsettling when these thoughts start coming to you. It’s out of your control. You feel helpless, and the more you try to control them, the harder it gets to stop them. You want to slow down, pause, stop… Even if it’s just for a second, it might help.
Do you ever question life? Not in the life and death sense, but more of an existential wondering, like what’s the point? And trust me, this is isn’t depression talking or any sort of unhappiness. I’m happy…
I’ve been having thoughts recently. New kind of thoughts. If I do this or that, then what? What’s the point of it all? What’s the point of living for 70 years and dying? Where does my soul go? Do we reincarnate, to do it all over again, but experience it differently? Or do we go to heaven?
I guess I figured something out right now. My existential questions stem from my lack of faith. Religion was my foundation. I was taught how to pray and how to worship a God I was instructed to believe in and fear. I was shown fear before I was shown love. That great majestic being was someone I should fear in everything I do. That being, who created us all in his image, supposedly, was to be feared.
I guess I had a different perspective on things. I lost my faith in that God slowly and saw something else. I carved my way out of this box everyone put me in and released my thoughts. It was terrifying. Everything I’ve known was suddenly a house of cards. The certainty I had was shook, and it shook me down to the core.
There was a time when I was a soldier in the fight for love, and I still am. Because after I allowed myself to stop believing in everything I was taught, one thought and one belief stood strong, unwavering.
I chose to see that majestic being as an entity of love.
For me, God is love. I only have this belief now. It’s the only thing I’m certain of.
My existence and my soul are the uncertainty I dwell on. The after, the purpose, the reasons… those are the things that make me unsettled. They drive me into a dark place where nothing matters.
The physical loneliness I so desperately try to avoid is my kryptonite. It’s what my uncertainty feeds on. Sees an opportunity to take over my thoughts, settle deep down in my core, and knock down my pillars.
God is love, but not in a sense that I’m validating his existence. My religion, my holy book, my values, and my God, they’re summed up into one basic but complex term.
It’s my starting point and basis for everything. However, the unsettling part is that I know where to start, but I have no idea where to end.